A Frank & Honest Discussion About You-Know-What

Dual Mom here. We have a special treat for all you LIB's out there to kick off your week! Yeahhh for week three!!

I ran across Jack over at Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit a few weeks ago. I read and read and read some more, and after I stopped gasping for breath and wiped the tears from my eyes I asked him if he'd do a guest post for us. What man could resist entertaining all you fabulous beotches?  If you don't know his blog, I strongly encourage you to check him out. Don't walk, run. Ok, read his post below and then run to visit him. The man has lost 92.2 pounds over the past 40 weeks and has chronicled every step of his weight loss journey. He is inspirational, strong, and most importantly...he will make you pee yourself laughing. Seriously, this man is a genious!

So without further ado, I give you Jack.

A Frank & Honest Discussion About You-Know-What


I don’t consider myself a prude when it comes to talking about… well, you-know-what. Y’know… the four legged frolic, the mattress mambo, the bump and grind, taking the skin schooner to Tuna Town, passing the gravy, taking “Old One-Eye” to the optometrist. You know…

Really, even though I did pass out during our birds-and-bees talk with my daughters, Sallie Mae and Holly, I’m really perfectly at ease talking about… um… boom boom. You know, boffing. Boinking. Boning. Bonking. Boofing.

Why am I here talking about the old in ‘n out, scream ‘n' shout? I mean, I usually spend my time spouting off about weight-loss issues. I’ve written hundreds of posts over at Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit, but not once have I addressed the subject of… um… harnessing the underwear unicorn.

But the two subjects are… um… interconnected quite a bit, and it’s about time somebody gave the discussion the serious look it deserves.

Here’s something that’s hard to believe: in a study from the Journal of Urology, obese men who did little exercise were 2.5 times at greater risk for not being able to maintain a… well… you know. Captain Standish. The roaring horn. The golden rivet. In one’s Sunday best. An Irish toothache. Morning pride. Old Hornington. That’s compared with men who were not overweight and averaged 30 minutes of vigorous exercise a day. Men as young as 20 report… ummmm… equipment malfunctions… attributed to obesity or inactivity.

However, that’s the extreme case. Taking the bullet train through Yonker’s tunnel is simply much more enjoyable when you’re fit and healthy. A report in the Journal of the American College of Surgeons shows that obese men reported significantly better hanky panky after losing gobs of weight.

The research involved 97 men (average age – 48), all of whom were “morbidly obese.” The conclusions are based on the patients’ own reporting of how their dippity doo da was going before and again several months after gastric bypass surgery that allowed them to shed significant poundage. I guess it’s not that surprising that… umm… batter dipping the corn dog was a better all-around experience at the lower weight.

A Duke University study found that even a 10% reduction in weight results in major improvements in all areas of the participants' whoopee making, including arousal, feelings of attractiveness and enjoyment of… y’know… hippity dippitty.

Best of all, half an hour of… umm… taking the love luge on the inbound loin line helps you burn anywhere from 150-350 calories, depending on the level of activity. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather spend my time putting sour cream on the taco than hanging out at the gym.

And it’s not just the pleasure involved with activating the special Wonder Twin powers that’s at stake. Researchers in Denmark studied nearly 50,000 couples and found that if both partners were obese, the chances of the couple having to wait more than a year to get pregnant were nearly three times higher than for a normal-weight couple. If both partners were simply overweight, the likelihood they would have to wait longer than a year was 1.4 times higher.

There are lots and lots of fantastic reasons for you to drop this weight, but a better experience during the mommy-daddy dance has gotta rank up there near the top.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go butter the muffin (no, really… I’ve having a muffin for a snack; what did you think I meant?)

34 comments:

MrsFatss said...

Oh. My. God. I love that man. GREAT post.

Jody - Fit at 52 said...

Jack, you are just too much on both weight loss & you,know, the um, the four legged frolic, the mattress mambo, the bump and grind, taking the skin schooner to Tuna Town, passing the gravy, taking “Old One-Eye” to the optometrist. I laughed so friggin hard... OH, is that the wrong word.. or the right word for this discussion!

Hmmm, must talk to your wife! :-)

Kimberley said...

I didn't see sinking the sub or hiding the salami in there.

But that is okay...I still laughed my ass off.

Great post Jack and thanks for having Jack as a guest!

Jules - Big Girl Bombshell said...

It took me twenty minutes to type my comment. Frickin' hilarious. Rip roaring fun! I'll trade in the Wii for that kind of calorie burning any day!

JewliaGoulia said...

Oh, Jack!

This post is both amazingly hilarious and educational. I feel like you've just given us all a great reason to drop some weight.

I mean who wouldn't love improves performance while parking the beef bus into tuna town?!

Julia
http://jewliagoulia.blogspot.com

Heather said...

I don't know how you know all those terms! I was almost disappointed not to see "bumpin uglies" until I saw "harnessing the underwear unicorn." You're a sick sick man and we all <3 you for it!

Mae Rae said...

loved it. it is true though, after even 15 pounds lost a while back i was up for much more sex, and the more exercise the more limber, the more limber the more positions. I wont go on but loved this post.

adrienzgirl said...

Thanks Jack! This was awesome.

cmoursler said...

taking the love luge on the inbound loin line

okay....
that one was too much.
However, taking beef bus to tuna town was, I think...a very tasteful statement.
lol.
let's just say I concur and leave it at that.
Chris the prude out.

GunDiva said...

:) Let's just say that this post was enlightening...I learned all sorts of new phrases.

The Blue Zoo said...

OMGoodness! I've definitely learned some new phrases. "Putting the sour cream on the taco"! LOL I will never be able to eat tacos again without laughing.

The Sweet Tooth Obliteration Operation said...

Genius, absolute genius!

misssarahlou said...

I laughed so hard at spending time putting sour cream on the taco than hanging out at the gym - never heard this one before - hilarious!

Great post! :o)

www.misssarahlou.blogspot.com

Sean Anderson said...

You speak the truth. Glad you did, I don't have the acorns to touch that subject.

Jack--you're amazing my friend

Flo said...

According to Dr. Oz your 'underwear unicorn' grows 1" for every 35 lbs you lose......

screwdestiny said...

LOL! I agree with Flo--the fact that you can "gain" several inches for losing weight would be enough to motivate me if I was a guy!

Amy said...

Corn dogs, tacos, why must you corrupt some of my favorite foods?

Loved this post. I too chose the Mattress Mambo over strength training this morning. My morning cardio left me very energized and I decided to put it to good use. ;)

Michelle said...

OMG. 'sour creaming the taco' WHO ARE YOU?

hilarious.

now..for a woman's perspective.

Secretia said...

That was a little big disgusting-ha ha

Amanda said...

Gross, but hilarious. Batter dipping the corn dog. ha!

But yes, my hub lost 50 ls last year and went from bed sloth to big stud. Yum.

Tammy said...

OMG Jack....dude, it took me 20 minutes to read this whole post. I got hung up on underwear unicorn and was laughing so hard I was crying...I couldn't pry my eyes open long enough to read, so it took me a while. I still look like a constipated Asian. This is one of your funniest posts by far...and I used to like sour cream on my tacos, but somehow, it just wouldn't seem right anymore. Thanks a lot Jack.

Sara said...

I have often said that if the ONLY side effect to come out of significant weight loss was all the great sex it would have been TOTALLY worth it.

Obesity makes everything harder (um, as it were...).

Daffy said...

Oh Jack...you so funny!

Thanks a million for doing the guest post. I'll never look at a taco the same way - probably won't be able to eat one for awhile either. That's usually my weak spot anyway - tacos with lots o cheese and sour cream....

Lizzy and Elle said...

Well that is good to know, great information, I will twitter it along.

Camevil said...

I agree totally! Doing the horizontal (and vertical!) tango is definitely much more enjoyable at a lighter weight than it was when I was obese.

And...Irish toothache? Wow.

Just Another Momma said...

Jack that was fantastic! Still LMAO!!!!! I love your blog too.

Sagan said...

An excellent, excellent reason to maintain a healthy weight :D

Sandra said...

Jack, you never fail us no matter where you blog :)

Linda said...

I seriously never knew there were so many ways to describe the old horizontal bop!
And some usefull info too!
Thanks!

SeattleRunnerGirl said...

O.M.G.

I almost peed myself. Plus, I learned a LOT of new phrases!

LOL

amyndavid said...

LOL funny and interesting!

Metroknow said...

This is my first time ever reading either Jack this site, and OMG that was awesome. literally laughing out loud, and well, agreeing wholeheartedly. Great diversion from the usual "hey this carrot top tastes great! no really it does!" posts that you get used to reading when you are looking for some inspiration.

Now THAT, is inspiration. :)

Angelia said...

ROFL! Thank you so much for introducing us to this site!

Jaime (Embracing Balance) said...

OMG, I can't believe I almost missed this!! Oh Jack, you are the man!!